What Walt Whitman Reminds Me about Living When I Feel "Down"

I've been absent from this passion project for a number of weeks now, though I suppose I could claim it is the fault of being out for Christmas break, there are actually several true reasons for my lack of writing here on this blog. I recently have come to realize that this winter season has been a bit harder than expected on my mental health. Last year during spring semester, I struggled with mental health as it relates to loneliness and isolation. This year, I went into the break expecting last year to have been a mere fluke. I was a freshman in college, had basically no friends, and I was not yet involved in classes where I was passionate about the subject... I was just taking freshman classes at the 100-200 level, so naturally I would not feel the most fulfilled during that time in my life.

So during the week of this past Christmas, when I got a strange feeling and a pit in my stomach, I did not know what to make of it. Why do I feel sad? Why do I feel lonely? This fall semester has been so much better than last year, so why do I feel hopeless? Why does the future suddenly fill me with dread?

I'm not sure I have much of an answer. Last night, I had one of those mental crisises where I ended up crying in a bathroom stall for an hour or so (because my roommate had already fallen asleep). I had actually cried the night before, too. Today, my eyes are puffy and swollen. My heart beats quickly in class, and I feel lightheaded. I also feel so alone. Today was just the third day of classes, and I do not seem to be starting the semester off so greatly.

Yet, in American Lit 2, we returned to Walt Whitman's Song of Myself as the intro to this semester's material. I hated Whitman last semester. I do not know why. But now, all of that has been flipped on its head-- I think I have fallen in love with his writing. It could not have come to me at a better time.

“Look for me under your boot soles”

writes Walt Whitman in Song of Myself, as he speaks to a side of American optimism that permeates his poetry almost as much as his “loafing” does. Walt Whitman, as I rediscovered this week, is a champion of a kind of bright and shining optimism in so many ways. Compared to me these past weeks, Whitman is my antithesis. Yet, I found myself to be "tracking" with Whitman so much more this week than any point last semester. Maybe that is because his optimism and ease come at a very anxious season of my life. It makes some sense that because of my current struggles, Whitman’s infectious love of life and nature serve as a welcome reprieve from my thoughts.

Overall, I wish I could personally thank Whitman for writing the following lines:

“The atmosphere is not a perfume, it has no taste of the distillation, it is odorless, It is for my mouth forever, I am in love with it…”

This statement touched me, and I am not sure why. I do know that as a Christian, I think this line of thinking glorifies God, in a way, so I would love to adapt a similar outlook as Whitman has here. I think that such an outlook as this would be a real help in combatting what I have been going through, because this perspective requires that I take myself out of my own thoughts and look outwardly with optimism to the goodness of God and His creation. This view looks, with wonder, at one of the most fundamental— yet forgotten—aspects of creation and it praises it. The way Whitman sees and describes something so-often taken for granted (like air) is incredible to me. Ultimately, the lens with which he looks at the world is fascinating, and I see that in my moments of anxiety, the ones where I withdraw and focus on my inward thoughts and problem, I disregard what is good and what has been created just for me. I wish I brought a similar attitude as Whitman brings towards God’s creation. Though Whitman is not necessarily writing to be read by the religious or to praise God (and certainly not everything Whitman writes aligns with my worldview), he is still writing an experiencing of the creation of God. So, I nevertheless think that I can read a majority of his words and (in some way) use them to praise and worship. That is what has suffered most in this season, I think: my relationship with God. And, Whitman teaches me that taking a step back and just returning to God and communicating to him needs to be a bigger part of my day, especially when I feel this sadness.

One idea that also stood out in the reading was that this time, the present moment, is perfect just the way that it is. This idea spoke to me on a personal level as much as it also relates to American history on a broader level, which I won't go into here. Whitman writes,

“There was never any more inception than there is now / Nor any more youth or age than there is now / And will never be any more perfection than there is now”

On a personal level, this impacted the anxious, lonely, and sad person that has come to live within me. Sometimes it can be easy to latch-onto what goes wrong in a day, or worse, to worry for what lies ahead in my future, but Whitman reminds me that the time to be young is right now, and he reminds that the present moment is perfect for living, just as the future present moment will be. Less obnoxious than “carpe diem”, Whitman’s mentality is a more subtle reminder that every second counts, the good and the bad. For some reason, that is calming to me.

"I exist as I am, that is enough / If no other in the world be aware I sit content / And if each and all be aware I sit content".

Who am I? Is it enough? Am I really who I think I am? How can I be sure I will always be this person? I have spent a great deal of my time worrying over such thoughts, and I have spent a great deal of time worrying about the thoughts of others, too. Yet Whitman's words can soothe me and those thoughts. His realization reminds me that I know who I am. I know. I may change bit by bit, learn and grow, adopt new hobbies and interests, but I believe that my person is intrinsically the same and will continue to be so for my entire life. Whatever anyone else does or thinks about me does not change who I am, or change the fact that I am enough (and that I am worthy of God's love ... Christian worldview alert).

Though I do not agree with a lot of what Walt Whitman asserts in Song of Myself, I do think it is a brilliant work of literature, one that I sadly never saw such value in until recently. Walt Whitman has given me a strange peace and optimism in this season of my life, and for that I am very thankful. There are so many beautiful quotes that I did not even include here, but I definitely recommend your further exploration of Whitman. One of my greatest passions in learning literature is finding what is applicable to the average, day to day human being. What is applicable to my life, and what is applicable to yours? When I feel down, I strangely find Walt Whitman to be comforting and inspiring, a paradoxical boost of confidence and ego mixed with an ability to focus outside of myself and appreciate the world and creation around me. Walt Whitman has come to me in a time where I needed it most. Now I can safely say that I celebrate and sing of the works of my Captain, Walt Whitman.

- Maeve